09 June 2017

What's Up With Change?




Change terrifies me. We all hold an adversity to change, at varying degrees. Friends move, schedules change, and family members try to grab you for dinner while in the middle of reading a good chapter, bringing feelings of alarm tinged with annoyance and acceptance. It's hard to grapple on with the fast-paced journey of surging into the unknown.

Ah, those dreaded calls while reading about Elizabeth and Darcy. Every time.

Initially I wanted to relay this idea of change in the form of a poem, but some ideas and discussions are so vastly important I don't want them to go unrecognized by a brief glance. This is a topic that needs to be thought about. So please read, and continue on.

Cloistering into the warm circle of comfort is the first response. The closest blanket is snatched, alongside the bag of organic popcorn and the only thing to do with dealing with these changes is to build a blanket fort as a reading nook or a safe haven to bingewatch, and the moment interruption hits, screams of, "SHISH KEBABS I AM TRYING TO READ! SILENCE M'DEAR," ring the household. You are a comfortable turtle. Who can blame the initial reaction? Change is a gamble. What's being transformed now may fail expectations later or place us in an uncomfortable position.

The thing about change is accepting it's happening.
“We all change, when you think about it. We’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s OK, that’s good, you gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be.” -- Doctor Who
I've changed so much! Seventh grade (left) me writes posts about inspirational music videos and lounged around on the grass as she watched YMCA soccer. Oh, she also liked using the "vibrance" setting on her camera. Then there's eighth grade me on the right who spent time in theatre, singing "I'm Yours" and "Just Give Me A Reason" around the piano who got very little rest but wasn't tired at all because she enjoyed what she did while awake. The fact that this all happened while I blogged and I'm still blogging.. I feel so old.

"Who is this?" Sometimes, I glance in the mirror in the mornings. There are days when I like the person staring back at me. She's more thick-skinned, observant, and matured. Other evenings I'd finish washing my face. My skin turns red from the cold water contact moments before and the occasional pimple omits itself as the center of attention. Yet these do not faze me: I'm at a constant search for other versions of me with traits present yet subdued in my current personality: ten-year-old Abby's ideas of imagination, a thirteen-year-old self talking vibrantly to known strangers in night before heading off to a spontaneous sleepover, my seven-year-old's aspiration of becoming a ballerina sans any formal training prior. Probably a bad idea then, since dance required tons of flexibility while my body hardly coughed up an ounce to suffice splits. I can hardly believe I'm more cynical than I used to, but I am.
"Who can say if I've been changed for the better /
But because I knew you /
I have been changed for good." -- Wicked
Being surrounded by the people and interests I choose to dabble in all affects it. When I was younger, I had an extremely close minded view about makeup-- if you look further into the blog archives, there's a post about it somewhere. But my opinion on the subject has heavily changed; makeup isn't bad. People don't wear makeup always to cover themselves up to be someone they're not. I will be doing a follow-up post about this later, but some people just love wearing it for the sake of accenting their best facial qualities. It makes them feel and look beautiful. Also this past year, keeping away from theatricals was hard, and I do miss it, but not as much as I used to. Theatre is still something I want to partake in my life, but when that connection is severed, it isn't as painful to be away. (Although I do miss saying, "Sorry I can't; I have rehearsal.)

I have a friend where we've tried so hard to communicate with each other despite busy schedules. We talk about moose trying to tackle down apple trees, burning cutting boards while cooking (which we've both done), and awkward original songs and parodies: "Walking, walking and rolling, down to the beach I'm strolling. But the seagulls, poke at my head (not fun)! I said seagulls--mhmm! Stop it now."


While we are still good friends, our interests changed. The cadence once present in our conversations talking face-to-face gets muddled by the awkward pauses between messages and time. I've reverted back to being more mischievous while they reverted to stoicism, when before we used to balance each other out. Distance strained that connection to balance one another. Sometimes friendships like these just... move on. We've gotten to the point where we understand there are other parts of our lives pulling us apart, but we still try. We're both changing. I feel that fear of letting go, which we hardly talk about, binds and could potentially hold us back, but we both want the best for the other and so maybe sometime in the future we will have to be set free which will be hard because we're so used to being in each other's company.

Does that mean after all of this, my past selves and all their qualities have strayed because these people and interests have come and gone? Absolutely not. They're still here, in a tiny corner of my heart and soul, in my memory and the memories of others fortunate enough to interact with her. She is still here, and I'll always remember her because she is me, and I am her. Only age can tell us a part: present me living in the moment, past me breathing affectionately, past self here to guide. She's still here, for the world to see-- just browse through old blog posts of mine from my first year of blogging and you'll see. Just browse along old photographs and perhaps mementos like these to see her ever smiling, perhaps too full of ideas to make any of them a reality, but her mind is in the right place.

Your past selves are still there within you.

I'm still the person I was during my underclassmen years, to a sense: a bit dorky, childish, and took photos of pretty much everything.

Change isn't overtly a negative thing. It gets this bad reputation because it carries the potential to derail us off this paradise we're on since it has everything we need. Seasons change, people change, opinions you once thought true now hold vacant since you've realized more parts of an argument. The cycle perpetuates.

We have the choice of what kind of change impacts our life whether to seize it in the moment or perhaps to wait for something better. That's what goals and resolutions are for, right? We set these to help guide us towards who we want to be, to make an ideal a reality. It may take awhile for us to get there. Some changes may set us back for awhile, but it's okay. The cycle is never ending, and another opportunity may pop up sooner than later.

Junior year: the girl who realized it's okay to struggle with stuff and ask for help, took a break and watched the world go at a fast rate, and also fangirled in a classroom to the point she scared a teacher since she's known for being especially quiet all the time which isn't always true???

A ton more aspects help dictate what changes are made, but I hope if you ever experience or see something inviting you to positively change for the better, go for it.

What's one aspect about yourself you've noticed changed over the years? Are you terrified of change, and if so, how do you cope with it? Any other things to add on to the topic?

p.s. Get ready for my next few weeks of posts where I pretty much rant things with some friends. xD

31 comments:

  1. For me change is this thing that is always happening and present but also scary and foreign. I love how you explained it in this post. :)

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    1. It's always happening. Entropy dictates that we're always getting close to a constant state of disorder. It sounds a bit morbid, wording it that way, but it's one way to look at it-- disorder of how our current way of things is. We will eventually hit that point where life will change that one aspect, but we'll be okay. Thank you, Nabila.

      xoxo Abigail Lennah

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  2. This is so relatable and well put Abby!I love the way you portrayed the transition so poetically yet so dirt realistically.
    Change. That word has been a huge part of my life.
    I was a highly introverted kid who would speak to myself and create imaginary world craving for real people like that. I guess I never stopped dreaming, I'm just so much more of an extrovert now, but that little dot of loneliness remains inside. So I interact and then I withdraw into my little world. That's kind of my Enfp personality, I am super bubbly and then I question everything and withdraw like a snail :P That I guess is my transition, but in a way I remain the same.
    I love the fangirl part, I relate to that so much that's me all the way. XD

    <3 xoxox

    Anna - http://worldthroughherheart.blogspot.com/

    P.S. Did you do your own web design?

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    1. I'm glad, Anna! And haha, I didn't know that poetic aspect came around-- I didn't come in writing to think, "I want this to sound rather pretty," but I'm glad that it did because it spoke to you and you related to it.

      I'm pretty much just like you, in a sense, although speaking in the MBTI sense, I'm an INFP. Withdrawing from the outside world-- we all need that. And hey, like you said, we have those core aspects of ourselves instilled in us. And YAAAAAASS fangirling. I love fangirling all the way. There are those who think that it's weird to flail and scream about cinnamon rolls but THEY ARE THE CINNAMON ROLLS.

      xoxo Abigail Lennah

      P.S. Yes! I did. I got bored one summer and used my skills to offer to do blog designs, but I'm booked this year to the point I can only offer designs every once in awhile. If you have any designing questions or concerns, let me know and I'll try to help you out the best I can!

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    2. XD We are alike on so many levels

      Serious? I need a web designer for Rebellious Writing (I posted on it..the clean writing thingie) . Me and Gray were talking about it. I tried making the website and totally failed XD I know that if I kept working on it I could eventually get it, and i love designing but I don't really have the time to do it. Is there anyway we could work together? I hate to say that I couldn't give you anything for it but it's for a good cause and if you need any help with anything I'll be more than willing. :)

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    3. We are! xD

      Yup, I do a bunch of coding! I'd love to code because I love the message Rebellious Writing is preaching, but I am going to be busy at my engineering camp next week and getting ready for a trip, so I can only code the basis of it. Shoot me a message via my contact page and we can talk about how we want it to be laid out, pages, etc.

      xoxo Abigail Lennah

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    4. Thank you so much Abby! That's even more than I expected. Will do! <3

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  3. this is such a great post! i used to be the shyest kid. i hated being the center of attention, and talking to anyone outside my family was a struggle. my face would turn bright red! now i'm literally the opposite - i'll start a conversation with ANYONE and i love meeting new people.

    crazy how things can change in a few years!

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    1. My face would turn bright red, too! It's super weird because as I kid, I'd be cocky going up to the front and doing well but when the moment came, that's when the break down happens. At least meeting people is easy for you-- while I love chatting with people, it's super awkward for me to introduce myself.

      Indeed!

      xoxo Abigail Lennah

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    2. it's so annoying because my first reflex is still to turn bright red, so it still happens all the time even if i'm not embarrassed/nervous! ugh lol!

      that's so interesting! you're super friendly and sweet so i bet everyone wants to be friends with you anyways! :)

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    3. People always think I'm embarrassed because while I do turn red, my cheeks are just red 24/7 (honestly I have no idea why, but it seem pretty harmless). LOL!

      Nah-- I'm usually super reserved that while people are kind and friendly to me, many don't want to take the extra mile to be friends. Funny how many use a descriptive / action word (friendly) but don't necessarily become that thing (friends). That's why I appreciate those who try to go the extra mile. <3

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  4. SO TRUE. I have been going through a lot of changes recently, and there are many many more to come. I struggle with it, especially if things are going really well. But I am learning to be excited about change, because sometimes, it brings the best things. ♥♥

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    1. YES, MEGAN, YES. I know I've only followed your blog for a short time and you haven't posted much, but it's amazing to see your transformation in a matter of short posts. You've changed and grown and it just makes me go and feel all "D'awww you're growing up!" <3 Well put.

      xoxo Abigail Lennah

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  5. This is so relatable and true!! I'm terrified of change, mainly because I'm so sickeningly shy. I always go red in the face and struggle to breathe when I'm the centre of attention - I guess it sounds silly, but I'm hoping I'll improve soon. It's such an awful feeling!

    P.S. I now have a dangerously desperate craving for donuts. I blame you and your photography ;)

    Amy @ A Magical World Of Words

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    1. I believe you'll overcome your shyness, Amy. The way to get over it is different for everyone-- for me, it required years worth of being exposed to super uncomfortable activities (theatre and debate). I believe you can do it!

      xoxo Abigail Lennah

      P.S. Isn't food photography just amazing and annoying (particularly for prompting hunger the minute the food is seen) at the same time?

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  6. THIS POST SPOKE TO ME SO MUCH. The other day I was looking at some books I used to adore and was like "wow... was I even the same person back then?" Especially in the past few years I feel like I've changed SO MUCH. At this rate, I have no idea who I'm going to be when I finish school. It's sort of scary, but also intriguing. Who will I be two years from now? Five years?

    Love this post <3

    audrey caylin

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    1. I'M SO GLAD THIS SPOKE TO YOU! The scary thing about change is that it happens in a short amount of time-- I know significant changes will happen for both of us by the time next summer rolls by. How have you changed over the years, Audrey? (And what books were you looking at? xD)

      Thank you <3

      xoxo Abigail Lennah

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  7. Change is a scary thing because we are afraid of the unknown. But it has to happen.
    This is a great post!
    TargetGirl

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    1. It does have to happen. xD Thank you, TargetGirl!

      xoxo Abigail Lennah

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  8. Change is such a scary thing, but it seems to be always happening!
    Great post, you raised a lot of good points in it :-)

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    1. It always has to happen. <3

      xoxo Abigail Lennah

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  9. Wonderful post, and so true! In my opinion one of the world's greatest fears is not death, but the unknown, which includes change. Some change will be bad, some will be good; we just have to realise that sometimes we need both to grow. :) Thanks for sharing your thoughts! XD

    Sincerely, Melissa <3
    melissagravitis.blogspot.com

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    1. The unknown is daunting, because it always gets given this negative connotation. But change doesn't have to be negative-- like you said, it's ultimate goal is for us to grow. Thank you for stopping by, Melissa!

      xoxo Abigail Lennah

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  10. Great Post! I think that to some degree everyone is afraid of change, because it is different and unknown. Personally, I don't like when things change, I am kinda bad of adjusting to it. But we all need to understand that change is unavoidable, and just as you said we all change to become better people. We change because things around us change, and we have to change to suit them. We change as we grow older and learn more about the world.
    Gah! I think I might go and write my own blog post on change...
    Love your blog
    <3
    xxxPoppy

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    1. Hi, Poppy! Adjusting to change is pretty hard. O.O And hey, if you do your own blog post about change, please be sure to send me a link so I can go check it out!

      xoxo Abigail Lennah

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  11. I relate a lot to what you said about friends changing: At the moment, my friend and I are seemingly morphing into versions of ourselves the other never dreamed possible, and I guess time will tell whether this means good or bad change. But yes, change can be daunting and scary, but in my eyes you've got to accept it regardless; being frightened isn't going to make things stay the same. That's like trying to stop a fast-moving train with a toothpick (I suck at metaphors). Great post, and THANK YOU for sharing (and bring on the rants!)

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    1. Funny you said that-- I sent a text message which I thought a friend would appreciate and the conversation became super awkward because we were both on different pages. Whatever you and your friend are going through, I hope that it's the good kind of change.

      Oh my gosh, I love that metaphor! You and David from the Reckoners trilogy by Brandon Sanderson would get along so well. (Bring on the rants, indeed!)

      xoxo Abigail Lennah

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  12. A giant A-MEN for this post. And how you put it so eloquently. Change is quite the chameleon, slipping in and out of our lives like toddlers threatening to knock down your blog building [the little devil...]. But honestly, I can say that it took a couple years [mostly during high school!] to stop, breath, grab it by the shoulders and go "okay, hold on. Wait a second" and do a full analysis and tear it apart, and scrutinize ways to use it to my advantage, to put a positive spin on it.

    I am sometimes super uptight about things. I read a book a few months ago called "Nonsense: The Power of Not Knowing" and it really helped open my eyes to the fear [and my personal fear!] of the ambiguous/change--it's definitely something I think all of us have to some degree.

    However I'm learning [just like you!] more and more that reshaping and accommodating for new things, new people, new information, is just a step along the way, and it can be turned into a painless [maybe even enjoyable] pastime.

    I love this post and I'm wishing you all the best as you keep grappling with everything in this daily whirlwind-- super proud, super glad to have read this today!
    xx
    steph
    strictlystephanie.blogspot.com
    stephaniewscribbles.blogspot.com

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    1. Darn those poor toddlers! There are Lego blocks next door! xD I'm glad you found a way to put a positive spin on it-- how did you do it for you, personally? Did it vary per situation or is the structure similar?

      I haven't heard of "Nonsense: The Power of Not Knowing" but it sounds like an empowering book (new book recommendation, yay)! Thank you so much!

      xoxo Abigail Lennah

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  13. Thank you for always reminding me that I'm not the only one whose brain works like this. <3

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    1. You're welcome. Ditto to you. <3

      xoxo Abigail Lennah

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Hi there, reader! Thank you so, so much for having time to read my posts and comment; I really appreciate it, and I promise I will try to reply back! I'd also love it if you would follow my blog too and spread the word; that would make my day. :D Have a great day!

Stay strong and wonderful!
xoxo Abigail Lennah